date:6/9/2026

t/w:suicidal thoughts

okay look i know i said learning is also a kind of hope and all that but i've been depressed lately lmao
and until i can figure out a good way of injecting dopamine into my veins i have been just doomscrolling honestly on tiktok and threads of all places
it's really quite miserable im gonna delete tiktok soon i already did it with threads so hopefully my doomscrolling doesn't come back

people online keep saying about how disconnecting is good and all and i really get it but unfortunately my adhd does come hand in hand with my depresssion
the moment theres a break in dopamine and my thoughts wander the only thing i'll really be thinking is how i want to kill myself #suicidalideationass
sometimes it takes a while for the depression to set in but the moment it does i'll be stuck in it for a while
my mental state is heavily dependent on my memory tbh like as long as i don't remember the depressing things as long as it is out of sight it really will be out of mind.
it highkey sounds like a fickle way of living but thats just how it be man i can't realy control my brain all that much the only thing i'm really doing is reigning it in before my body decides i need to slit my throat or jump off a cliff.
sometimes i wish i could go back to when my suicidal ideation doesn't exist but not to be depressing and miserable i sort of don't really remember when that is. i've been depressed and suicidal ever since primary school. i've never attempted but the thought has never left my mind ever since i could remember my moments of being alive

to conclude this has been quite a miserable time in my life lmao i'll get through it like i always do but it is quite miserable. to anyone who read this, have a better day than mine.